Working on understandings

portions of a personal letter to a caring professional

“…In a regular society a person may struggle with self esteem issues, depression, every so often an eating disorder, or an addict. This seems more normal, if that even fucking exists, than a single person who has PTSD, constantly considers death, failing health, insomnia, grand ideas, no literal hope, eating disorders, 34 years of prison camp like experience, a quick wit, the ability to overly control emotions down to blood pressure, attachment malfunctions, isolation in the extreme, self harmer, flash backs to any day in horror, no positive solid family anything, great with numbers and music, fatigued in every way, abducted into human trafficking at around 18 months old – still to be released at age 35.7, paranoid of what’s there, excessively – repeatedly raped, lied to and abused.

That is not close to normal.

That is a challenge –  and what a monster of a challenge it is too…”

“Though there are causes, I am not a cause.  There are many cases I am involved in, but I am not a case.  This is huge and there are many challenges, me personally though,I am not the challenge.

I am just me.  I am not a problem that has to be solved.  I am not the reason any of that fucked up and horrendous stuff happens – I am just me.

I am not the piano that I can play whether I play poorly or well.  I am not the sleep I do or do not get.  I am not the cigarettes that I smoke.  I am not a charity case, and I am not mentally ill to the point of not being able to take care of whatever shit I’m supposed to take care of.

 I am just me.

Have you ever felt desperate inside to belong and to be accepted?  I gaze up at the stars at night and beg for understanding from God and I ask, DO YOU SEE ME?

Aside from the shit and the coarseness that can be my exterior, Dr. so – and – so, do you really see me?

I don’t abstain from food because I’m worried I’ll be fat or because I need a sense of control in my world. I don’t want sex from a guy because I don’t like men – I don’t wanna have sex with anyone… male or female for the same fucked up reasons. Red is blood and torture and pain to me. Words mean little if actions do not support them. Bla bla bla bla..

I know that some people care, perhaps though they can only care to a point. I do not want my shit to complicate their life so much that they would feel trapped or manipulated in any way.  If I accommodate that in its entirety for the world,  I feel – right now that I’m right about being as fucking careful as I have been and will not be able to change that.  I understand how perspective can change the way anyone sees the world.  You don’t think that what I could say could do that for you.  In fact, you have assured me that it would not.  I can understand and appreciate why you would say that to me – but you don’t know what I am going to say. If what I say is disturbing, which to me it is, and you acted worn to it – how would that be any less confusing?

The other night I made a huge decision, and then I carried out the initial steps of the plan.  In doing this I know that I am in grave danger, but it was and still is the right thing to do.  My heart was beating so loudly I could not hear my radio.  I had a temp of over 102 almost immediately after I made the first transaction with the information…”

“Ya, all of this is speculative, and could be ptsd – right?  I am sure you could be considering if it is a flashback, or a messed up nightmare.  It isn’t.  I just fucked with the hand that ruled the world, and after realizing my precarious situation, and the honest fact that I don’t understand, and I don’t know who I can/should trust –   I did not call anyone.  I did not call you.

Do you understand that my fear isn’t baseless? Do you see that my understandings of the ‘darkness’ and the ‘light’ are equally traumatic?

I have no idea what you really see.

I want to know, but then again I don’t want to be ‘set free’ again. Truth sets no one free.  It wasn’t true then. It isn’t true now. Truth binds men to obligation not in love but in responsibility and societal acceptance. This is part of the problem. Workers of darkness can be protected by the same light that shines on good men that die by popular vote. That is justice. That is social reform. THAT is why hope it’s moot anyhow. Hope for heaven. Hope with God. Actual hope here and now is useless.  Good men who want to make a difference will sink into the mud just enough to gain the trust of all. No one is above reproach. All give in. You do it, I do it. I’m shunned and shamed because I want out. The irony is you, being a good person, want me to stay and continue on being assured that torture and masochistic treatment will continue and I am the one seen as crazy.  I think that you want me to believe you and to trust you. Aside from reading and talking with people, do you have a clue what I’m referring to? Experientially? Do you have any personal frame of reference?”

The strangest part to me is that I STILL REALLY REALLY WANT TO TRUST YOU!!!

“Do you trust me like you are hoping I will trust you?

Considering everything that I have experienced, and everything you have experienced of me since you met me, why would you trust me? Sometimes I wonder if I am in a situation that you might not even believe exists and is still happening – because you seemed as if you were shocked.  (Do you know how many times you have told me that you didn’t realize that it was still going on?  At least 49 times in the last 8 months.)

I do understand that my problems and me as a person, these are not a part of your everyday world.  I get that you see me twice a week for a couple hours, and the rest of your life is yours.  I do understand that.  Do you understand – also – that when I walk into your office, I am going into a place that is not ‘safe’ with a person I am not able to trust fully, and who listens, but sometimes does not hear what I am saying?  Do you know that I deal with some vast aspect of my torture every moment of every day whether I am awake or asleep?  And do you realize that I cannot cope like you can because I do not have the support, the fucking desire anymore, nor do I have your ‘good’ experiences.  I am not trying to put you in harm’s way and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in most respects.  I am uncomfortable.  I am in harm’s way.  You cannot walk this path with me unless you are willing to be in both places.

I’m not trying to be cheeky, nor do I mean any disrespect.  I have nothing if I have nothing.  Fake for fake is less than nothing.  I just want to be real and to understand.

Thank you sir!”

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