Words by Liv:

Guess what! If someone really wants to help you out, they will. If they don’t, they won’t. Words don’t mean shit if the actions do not confirm the words in the first place. In my years of struggle and fucken’ heart ache.. I have come to see that the people in my life who are the truest and most tender hearted have been the ones who have been there for me all along. I do not always take notice, but they are there through it all and have been since the first time we said hello. They struggle, I struggle and we do not always agree… But you do not have to agree with a person to love them. And I don’t have to be agreed with to feel loved. That being said, it is not only true with interpersonal relationships. It is also true with your relationship with yourself. Telling yourself that you are worthless and that you are crazy, when somewhere inside you have an inclination that you are of value and sound, can create a sense of instability within yourself. No one is going to be with you 100% of the time but You! I am not saying LOVE yourself. I can’t do that for me yet. But, I am saying be as congruent with yourself as you can. If you are angry, don’t pretend that you are not. If you are sad, cry goddamn-it! If you make a mistake, no matter the size, own it and accept you for doing your best, and work with that. Use that ‘mistake’ as a way to boost yourself into what will make you more of who you want to be! People will intimidate, belittle, and vastly want to break you. I am not sure of all the reasons behind this, but I know that some of it makes them feel in control and powerful. I believe that is a human trait, to want to feel a sense of power and control. I have done this with myself. I will try to ‘hold it together’ so I don’t cry in front of so and so. I will smile at someone when I am legitimately angry. Being incongruent in this fashion only causes a deeper confusion in me, and I HATE that!!! I mess up a lot, but they are MY mistakes! I have the opportunity to either learn from them, and use them to propel myself into my next catastrophe/victory OR beat myself up for them, and fall lower and lower and lower… I know that might seem simplistic, but ultimately it is how I am choosing to look at things. I am not perfect at it, and I fall and get stuck more than I ever want to admit. But, I get intense emotions inside when someone treats me badly. Why then do I do the same thing to me? If I am worth anything to anyone, I have to be worth something to me. If I feel a twinge of pain when someone refers to me as ‘the bitch’ or ‘careless’ hell, even if they say I am ‘unfeeling,’ or ‘calloused’ or ‘less than sensitive’… I have to remember that that is THEIR opinion and not MY opinion. I can choose to focus and see where they could be right, while still seeing that I am doing my fucking best and when I slip up, it is an opportunity for me to learn better for my next “test” in life. The world is gonna say what it says. I live with myself, and I know myself. Who do I want to be. and …. how do I get there?

Olivia Bourgeois


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