My trouble with foodage!

Sometimes, being honest can have serious repercussions.  Many have told me to be careful and not put it all out there.  Some have even threatened me with violence if I did.  There are a lot of things that I can understand in life, but using threats of violence to keep someone silent I do NOT.

In an attempt to NOT give in to that type of persuasion – here is the following…

I don’t want to eat.  and I know that I really need to.  There is a weird paradox going on between my head and my body.  Physically we all need nourishment right?  Mentally it fucks with my mind and heart and memories etc…

The fact that I do, when I do, makes me feel pathetically weak and moronic.  And NO I don’t think that about other people, in fact, I wish I could let all this shit go and be more like them.  But, right now – I can’t.

When I do get food out, I feel extremely guilty.  Even if it is my own food!!  So, I eat as little as I can (most times) and forget the rest.  I try to match what others do when I am eating with people.  I usually cannot do it though.  does not mean I don’t wanna be like them, just the memories are too strong and I can’t fight them and me and my heart and the pain all at the same time – I’m just really not that strong.

I have not thrown up for months now… and that is a big thing.  I think that I am too in tune with my body (being on this massive fucking hyper alert overdrive bullshit!)  and every flux inside me gives me alarm.  I am used to the wanting.  I am not used to the receiving.  I am at ease more so with the lack of …. energy is not the correct word, but I cannot think of the best one for now…. energy rather than the creation of it.  Much like a spider can induce a flow of epinephrine in a person to whom the spider gives a fright – feeling food being processed inside of me freaks my ever living shit out!  just the simple act of touching food to my lips causes me alarm.  I can cook and bake.  I can do the math and set the timer.  But, I don’t want to eat it and I don’t want to be pressured to do so either.

It was always so confusing for me.  being told that I should never eat.  then when around ‘family’ and ‘friends’ I was forced to eat.  As soon as they were no longer around I had to down the ipecac and throw the food up.  Then there came the laxatives and enemas and to the extremes of high colonics!

All in preparation for what? Just so that when some grown up person(s), who had paid a fucking dime for me, would go down and fuck me they didn’t get anything they didn’t expect????????

In a totally and completely damnable way, I can understand – to a point – why this was their fucking policy.  Clean child prostitute for a dirty wealthy pedophile.  Fantastic!

Being part of the prosy walk and being forced to drink a lot and puke it up later was all part of the experience.  Before I would go to a doctor’s office, r would bloat me up like a fucking fish!  I would go in and would be of whatever right weight I was supposed to be.  After getting back home it was the same thing all over again.  Ipecac, laxatives, enemas… and a slew of degrading and shameful tactics that confused me and causing a profound damage to my existence in a complete way.

Does it still matter?  Should I still try?

It does not feel that on this subject I have made any progress.  Of course she is not finished with me yet.  She still sends people after me, and according to her I will be dead in less than 2 weeks anyways – so then is there a fucking bastardly point anyhow?

I do not have to eat unless I want to physically be more capable.  I do not want to eat because of all that is written in the above.  I want to eat because it looks like something that people enjoy, and I sooooo want that.  I won’t eat right now cuz I cannot muscle this shit out.

grrrrrrr

On a different subject – Truth is I’m afraid that I might not ever know the things I’ve always dreamed of. Terrified am I at the thought that this hellish life is exactly how I see things now and not anything to be desired especially if the value I have tried to find in me and those around me betrays me before real progress and comfort can be found…for me.

Mostly I am scared that all the things I heard and saw, the ones burned and completely burdened upon my brain, are the good in humanity and the best of this world. I have been witness to deaths, murders, ritualized abuse, hating and lying, cheating, prostitution, theft, torture, manipulation, public beatings, savage rape… and the list goes on and on.  I want to see the fucking point to all of this and I want to stick around long enough so I can.

If nothing can be done and they are gonna kill me anyways… is there still a point? I’m not asking for some type of emotionalistic appeal from anyone – I’m looking for hope.  Down to earth, honest to God, realistic and utter hope.

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Misunderstanding …

Some guy called me yummy the other day… I didn’t know how to respond. He asked me when the last time was that I had been penetrated … I thought he was asking me when the last time I had an idea or concept sink in and I was enlightened. I told him that that happened for me every day. He was suddenly very interested. He asked me if I was married to which I answered no. He slimmed his way closer to me and I took a few steps back. He asked what time of day was this happening. I said most days it is all day. I like to read from books and magazines and I use search engines a lot. There was another gal just behind me and I became aware that she was watching with a great deal of interest as well. This dude then got right up in my space and asked me if he could penetrate me. THAT’S when I understood that conversation. Honestly it made me sick and had I eaten I would have lovingly shared my previous meal with him…. with passion and a smile. No, I said. He then proceeded to compliment himself on his experience and abilities in the sack. Seriously I just really wanted to puke on him the more and more he spoke His closing argument was… “and besides you look like you would be really yummy.” And he looked at my chest and licked his fucking lips. I put the biggest fake smile on my face and said – YOU are a real winner!! Just the type of guy I could take home to my mother. His countenance fell. He muttered something and I used the small space between us and put my index finger on his mouth and said – shhhhhhhh… just listen. I’m not going to have sex with you ever. Okay?
He took in a deep breath and turned and walked away.
Looking back at that now it’s hilarious!!! When the guy walked away the gal behind me was laughing… I can’t believe you called him a real winner, she giggled. She added, if he would’ve gotten closer to you I would’ve had your back girl. That was awesome.

Morti

3 Part Post…. watch your vocabulary??? ahem… fuck you

Saying you care and then turning your head to watch a ‘friend’ choke on their own heartache is worse than the person who broke their heart in the first place. No one needs your money! You are NOT the value that is in your pocket book and neither are any of the people you know. The worth of a person is invaluable and inestimable! That includes you! and that includes your ‘friend.’ You do need to protect yourself, and if you are able you are morally obligated to care for those who cannot care for themselves. Believe them or don’t, care or don’t, be there or don’t be… but don’t fucking lie to them and say You Care and then stand by and watch them die. You may feel a sense of self righteousness about the situation because you didn’t give them the initial heartache but it could be your kind words and dearth of follow through that was the final nail in their coffin. Mean what you say. Say what you do. The rest is bull shit and YOU know it.
-Liv

I saw a child being hurt. I spoke to her mother about it and she said it wasn’t that bad. Her little girl was 9 years old and I had known her for over a year, I had never seen her smile. She was not autistic and didn’t have ‘mental’ malfunctions that were evident to me. She did have mannerisms that were questionable for a child of 9. She was overly touchy and extremely closed off emotionally. The mother was willingly blind and surprisingly underprotective of her child. I checked with family, and friends. They were all aware of the situation and told me that the little girl had been really withdrawn and different for about 18 months or so. THEY SAW IT! and they claimed that they really loved and cared for this little one. They also were concerned that if they tried to interfere that the mother would unfriend them all. What is wrong with this world? Why do you care about some type of relationship over the life and safety of this child? This type of ‘caring’ is why so many commit suicide and die of brokenness deep inside. Fear is one thing, and can be worked with. But using your cowardice in hiding behind a friendship you don’t even fully support yourself just to keep your distance between the awful truth and getting through it … while can and is part of the human condition… is fucked up and more often applauded and admired. There are millions of these 9 year old girls and boys suffering and we hide behind our smiles and tuck away our disdain condoning the actions of the decrepit abusers and doing nothing but saying that we care!
My post from 3 hours ago has received some incredible responses. The replies were incredible. More people were upset at the strong LANGUAGE than they were at the CONTENT found in this post. What a fucked up and arrogant way to respond to a person’s cry for help. No wonder the society is going to hell. We are too worried about how something is said, instead of what is actually being said and being done.
Well, if words are what you are looking for … here are some for you.
I hope that you can cheer yourself in the wake of tragedy. When your children die because you loved them with words and not actions, I hope that you can live with it and be happy – at least on the outside. You would not want to ruin someone else’s day becase you are not smiling do you? When your neighbor is crying next door and you hear it, I hope you can be happy and turn up your music so that you are blind to their pain and numb from your own. When hard things happen, and you go through them, may you find fake people to give you fake wishes, and go about your fake life and have fake relationships… because that is apparently all that you are willing to risk, and all you are willing to do, and ALL you are willing to be. God bless you in your endevors. May you find what you are looking for. And, you will.

-Liv

What are YOUR super-human powers?

In a recent job interview I was asked if I had any special talents and abilities.  I stated a few that could be viewed as impressive by some.  I have since then thought about it and have come to the conclusion that I have a LOT of extra special talents and abilities.  The following are merely a few of the ones I have thought were worth the attention of writing down.

  1. Objective Declination: I can drop any object at any time!  I am especially skilled in dropping items with hot liquid in them.  I have the capacity of dropping multiple items all at once, so you could say I multi task really well.  If you have a fresh white outfit on then my skills increase.  I have a way of creating art with my ability of objective declination and can help with your temperature state as well.  I discovered that I had this incredible aptitude for helping customers coming in from the cold to be heated up at a much accelerated pace with my ‘art’ and skill.  They would order hot coffee and I would instantly warm them up even before they could get it into their bodies – I’m that good! (I spilled coffee on many a cold and weary traveler.)  Though my skill was not appreciated at the time I am counting it as one that I have excelled at and that is why it is listed as numero uno!
  2. Liquid Proliferation: I have seemed to always have this gift.  I can splash water about like nobody’s business.  I don’t even have to try!  If there is liquid around me, it will be given a wealth of expansion and be creatively distributed in various and unexpected places.  My cleverness is not only contained within the knack I have for liquid proliferation, it also flows into number 3.
  3. Liquid Captivation: After the accomplished task of liquid proliferation has been completed I then can incorporate the competence and proficiency of a true liquid captivator.  I can tidy up most creative displays of adeptness with a single cloth.  Since I am already in the process of cleaning up whatever I was lucky enough to have spilt I generally incorporate the fluid into further tidiness and maintenance – so you see I do not waste the opportunities that are current and close by.
  4. Divining Faculty: This one is not always active, sort of like a super-human capability if you will.  I admit this skill is still being developed but I can say with a sense of ostensibility that I predict the future.  For example, when a traffic light turns green – I can generally tell you who will go and who will not.  (my secret is that there ones facing the green usually go and the ones facing the other generally do not) I am not correct 100% of the time, but I do have a high percentage of averages.  When my number in line is established, then I can tell you that after the person with the number just lower than mind is called that I am next.  This is more accurate than the stop light thing, but also not 100%.  I am 100% clear on incongruencies in life, but making sense of them is a skill I have not yet acquired.
  5. Stumbling Professional: There is not a person that I have had the pleasure of making acquaintances with that has had a better occupational history as I have of being a stumbling professional.  I fall when it is convenient and I can fall when it is absurdly and wildly inconvenient.  They say that when you are good at something, you should never do it for free.  Well, I am soooo good at this one that I cannot keep it to myself.  I share it with others often, though I am never thanked for it.  I am unaware as to why it is not something noted and appreciated?  It does bring about much hilarity though, and so I will count it as an asset, for now.

There are more, but these are the ones that I am thrilled to shout out loud and clear!  Many will say that they are not skills at all, and that is okay with me.  We all have super human powers and until we can see and recognize them, in my opinion, we will remain muggles.  There is magic in each of us!  YOU are good at something too!  Celebrate the things that make you YOU!  I am clumsy and silly and sometimes it is not a fabulous precious moment – but usually they make for a great story and create smiles and laughs.  We don’t always have to be so serious.  Being too serious has been like kryptonite for me.  I have found that laughter has been a great lead barrier between me and the evil green stone!  What are your skills?  Can you name 5?

Olivia Bourgeois

Words to Liv by…

Good morning!

I was on a plane for 5 hours yesterday… my butt still hurts lol!
That might have been more than you wanted to know lol my apologies … well sorta any how (raspberry and a wink)
The whirlwind of life seems to take me to places I have never been before not ever expected that I would go.  I am upfront and honest person, and I find that most people are offended at that.  I get confused when a person says one thing and does the opposite… and I am more intrigued and confused when they say one thing and do something that is completely not even close to the same ball game as the original statement… if that makes sense then you are following my thinking pattern, and I am smiling hoping that you are! lol
I am a clarifyer.  If I do not understand, I ask questions.  Some say too many, and that is okay I just don’t ask them after a while … not because I am not curious anymore, rather because it seems that my questions cause them some type of discomfort. I do not wish hurt or harm on anyone.  I get angry, and I can cry but I do not use that as some kind of battering ram for change in a society that does not respect personal safety both physically and emotionally.  I do not lash out at people most of the time.  Not because the urge isn’t there, but rather because I am more inclined to care for a person and try and listen and understand their perspective and work with the situation in that way.  I am learning to keep things in perspective, and at this time I really think that every problem has a solution but not every solution works the same for every individual.  I am intense and idealistic, and I love that!  I am gonna be me and if someone does not like it they do not have to stick around.  I can love them near or far, pray for them here or there… and what they do does not dictate my type of response.  If I want to be kind, I will be.  If I need to be direct I will be.  and if they take offense and do not want to talk to me about it, I have to let it go because I cannot work on stuff if people will not help me see it in the first place.
Wow, that was a lot of stuff… why am I telling you any of this?
Yesterday, while I was in the plane, it so happened that I had put my laptop and other things in my carry on.  As we boarded the airline peeps asked if people would be willing to check their carry ons as there was not room enough on the plane for all of them.  Considering the fact that it was gonna be a couple of hours, I volunteered mine for check in.  The flight was only supposed to be a couple hours and I wanted to rest my eyes anyhow.  Just before the plane took off, I got a message on my phone as to how horrible someone thought I was and that my questions about life and people’s reactions to things were completely inappropriate and condescending.  She also said that I was cold, unfeeling, and less than sensitive.  I was taken a back a bit because that is the opposite of how I really genuinely try to be. I turned my phone off and the plane took flight.  Apparently we had some 200+ mph head winds and the pilot and crew were kind and calm.  It took twice the time and that is how the 5 hours came about.  As I sat there, being the lucky person in the middle of a three seat section, I reflected on the situation at hand.  I felt her words, and let them sink in a bit … just enough to touch me and really allow me to try and see it from her view and honestly consider if what she said was true and if it were what I could do to be a better friend, and person in general.  I cried, tears ran down my cheeks as I did this soul searching.  In a way, as I look back at yesterday,  I thank God for that.  Perhaps it was some kind of cosmic “time-out” and I had extra time to consider as much of the situation 3 dimensionally rather than just from where I was coming from.  My conclusion was this.  She is a loving, meticulous, vastly talented woman.  I respect her current circumstance and understand that she is really struggling right now.  I admire her tenacity and I think she must trust me in some way to tell me some things that she was angry and hurt about.  I am proud of her, and honored that she had the balls to do that.  Inasmuch as that is true, I do not agree with what she said.  I care about people, and I really care for her.  I do not understand a lot about emotions, and I do not know what way she would like me to respond to things…  I ask question.  It is a bothersome task, but there is a disconnect inside me that most people do not appear to have.  Perhaps that is where I need to focus things – not exactly positive as to how… but time is the Master teacher, and while I have it I will keep trying.  I think that part of me was slightly wounded by the comments made as well.  I cannot deny that either.  It is strange to me to strike out at people especially before you have as much information as you can gather.  As this is a common occurrence in our society, I do feel a bit alien in it.  That does not mean I will submit and be that way.  It is not in my nature nor built in my character to do that.  I am NOT saying I am better than anyone for certainly I am not!  I have many things that I am working on and will keep caring and doing what I can.  I hope she and I can talk about it and work through these things.  She is dear to me, and I do value her quite highly.
– Olivia Bourgeois

Words by Liv:

Guess what! If someone really wants to help you out, they will. If they don’t, they won’t. Words don’t mean shit if the actions do not confirm the words in the first place. In my years of struggle and fucken’ heart ache.. I have come to see that the people in my life who are the truest and most tender hearted have been the ones who have been there for me all along. I do not always take notice, but they are there through it all and have been since the first time we said hello. They struggle, I struggle and we do not always agree… But you do not have to agree with a person to love them. And I don’t have to be agreed with to feel loved. That being said, it is not only true with interpersonal relationships. It is also true with your relationship with yourself. Telling yourself that you are worthless and that you are crazy, when somewhere inside you have an inclination that you are of value and sound, can create a sense of instability within yourself. No one is going to be with you 100% of the time but You! I am not saying LOVE yourself. I can’t do that for me yet. But, I am saying be as congruent with yourself as you can. If you are angry, don’t pretend that you are not. If you are sad, cry goddamn-it! If you make a mistake, no matter the size, own it and accept you for doing your best, and work with that. Use that ‘mistake’ as a way to boost yourself into what will make you more of who you want to be! People will intimidate, belittle, and vastly want to break you. I am not sure of all the reasons behind this, but I know that some of it makes them feel in control and powerful. I believe that is a human trait, to want to feel a sense of power and control. I have done this with myself. I will try to ‘hold it together’ so I don’t cry in front of so and so. I will smile at someone when I am legitimately angry. Being incongruent in this fashion only causes a deeper confusion in me, and I HATE that!!! I mess up a lot, but they are MY mistakes! I have the opportunity to either learn from them, and use them to propel myself into my next catastrophe/victory OR beat myself up for them, and fall lower and lower and lower… I know that might seem simplistic, but ultimately it is how I am choosing to look at things. I am not perfect at it, and I fall and get stuck more than I ever want to admit. But, I get intense emotions inside when someone treats me badly. Why then do I do the same thing to me? If I am worth anything to anyone, I have to be worth something to me. If I feel a twinge of pain when someone refers to me as ‘the bitch’ or ‘careless’ hell, even if they say I am ‘unfeeling,’ or ‘calloused’ or ‘less than sensitive’… I have to remember that that is THEIR opinion and not MY opinion. I can choose to focus and see where they could be right, while still seeing that I am doing my fucking best and when I slip up, it is an opportunity for me to learn better for my next “test” in life. The world is gonna say what it says. I live with myself, and I know myself. Who do I want to be. and …. how do I get there?

Olivia Bourgeois