If you don’t understand where I am coming from, that is okay!
You don’t have to.
You are right about my public stance on your religion. But, let me be a little less vague for you right now. I do not believe ANY religion will save ANY one. If you are of the opinion that I post anything flippantly then you are wrong. I think about everything I post. I am not trying to offend people. I am trying to create conversation. My aim is to talk to someone, anyone, who can have a conversation with me. I want to learn about their perspectives. I want to ask them intriguing questions. I want to hear how they came to the conclusions they came to.
Why do you think I talk to you?
Why do I ask you the questions that I ask you?
I am not trying to convert you to my way of thinking! Nor, am I trying to change who you are! I love you for the you that I know. If I were in Rome, I might be more public about my disliking of the Catholic church. My circumstances are such that I know the ins and outs of the your church. Just because I post an article that is not pleasing to you does not mean that I am against you. We do not have to agree on everything to be friends. You can be angry at me and that is fine. I can be angry with you, and that is also fine. Not ideal, but eh, life isn’t ideal all the time right?
You said that you liked smart people, but you call yourself dumb. You said that you love the your faith, and yet you are not ‘active.’ You want to be around people and still you push them away. These contradictions are compelling and confusing – and perhaps this makes me really strange, but I just want to ask you more questions, and understand you better. I Love that we are different! And I love that we are very much alike. So, it is okay with me that you are angry at me. Go ahead and be that way. It does not make me hate you. I don’t think I could ever hate you.
You may think that I believe everything I read. I don’t. You might think I believe if I found it on the internet then it must be true. I don’t. You can forget what I have said and say that I have not told you specifically anything pertaining to why I dislike your church. Not true, but you can. You have not asked specific questions. Instead, you have a cheeky insinuation – a veiled insult – in your vague sincerity.
- So you have studied solely stuff against my church because of what happened to you regarding this church and the people you know in it so that makes it all true not just an opinion? And studying that stuff makes it true? –
Studying and learning about whatever it is does not make it true. Painting a picture of what you believe does not make it true. Following someone’s advice because you believe in the person, does not make it good advice. I Never said that any of this made anything truth.
- I didn’t just read about it and dismiss it or believe it based on my limited knowledge
You are assuming that my knowledge is limited in this. You think, and correct me if I am wrong here, that I just read stuff from some random person and believe it without testing it out, without seeing how it applies, without experiencing it for myself RIGHT?
The things that I know nothing about, and only have academic knowledge about, while fascinating to me, are not things that I am passionate about. Why do you think I post so emphatically about your church? You think I do not have experiential knowledge as well as academic? What is it that you are so mad at here? What specifics do you want?
I have never kissed anyone on purpose I have only speculative perception on that one. However, if you think that I am going to go around kissing everyone to get the experience that many others have – that is gross and a huge “HELL NO!” from me. I could whore myself out to get ‘real-life’ experience but what good would that do anyone? On that subject, you would be correct in thinking that my knowledge there is limited.
You might also be wondering if I am trying to get back, in some way, at people who didn’t help me when I needed help, huh? Also not true. I want more than anything to help them, especially them!
What do you want from me?
If I call ya – you don’t answer nor do you usually call me back. If I text you. You don’t answer. I email you, you don’t read them. When you do, we don’t talk about it very much. You don’t ask me specifics. You say that if I want you to know I will tell you. That sucks, by the way. I denounce it with a great big AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! If you wanna know, then ask it. I do not tell you the bulk of things because I do not want to break you! You are the only one who can tell me what you can handle and what you cannot handle. I CANNOT decide that for you, and I won’t! It might surprise you but I care and I have nothing to hide. I am open about my fears, my excitements, my curiosities, and now a more recent development, my anger. What more do you want?
I have not lied to you. When I said that I loved you, I meant it. Sorry if I have been overbearing. You told me that some have a difficult time with you because you are intense. When I agreed with you about that, it may have been confirming some fear that you have had. You did not question me about it though. I have thought about it a few times since then. I was giving you a compliment there, and I am pretty sure you did not take it in that manner. I too am intense. Read anything I write, all of them have a level of intensity that is a bit above the norm. I am ill much of the time now, and so I spend what energy I can being and doing things on purpose. Doing things in this way require passion and YES some level of intensity.
I have never really had a guy in my life that was like you. This is my first time trusting a dude like I trust you… and I am fucking it up I know all the time, but I am not gonna quit or give up – unless you ask me to. The only way I know that I am fucking up and can do better, is if you help me out there. The excuse that you are ‘just a guy’ doesn’t hold shit! That would be like me saying another flippant thing just to avoid whatever the truth is… come on man! You are brilliant! You are sweet, kind, honest and passionate about a lot of things…. We can do better each of us… I want to!