In my ever searching quest for light and knowledge, I have got to completely admit that I have been TOTALLY INCORRECT about my perceptions and understandings about what TRUE LOVE is. While I can appreciate a declarative statement that allows me to say I have been wrong, I am also delighted to say that I “might” have an inclination as to what the proper and more fitting definition could be. Yesterday I was richly blessed to take part in a ceremony that was marking the “Celebration of a Season.” I have been trying to put the past behind me in a way that I could live my present and look forward to a future that was not so daunted by my own fears that nothing seemed of value. I say “try” because though I have put in some effort, I did not believe it was possible. The proof seemed lacking, the people seemed mere shadows, and the “love” that everyone spoke of sooooo often appeared to me as a great ‘idea’ and NOTHING more. I was diluted in my own way, as we all can be from time to time, and I had decided – with great fervor I might add – that ‘love’ and ‘like’ and ’emotionalistic based decisions’ were a path to the “dark side” and mere tricks and ploys used by those who knew how to masterfully manipulate the huddled masses and they were by no means anything more. In my stuffy arrogance I diagnosed everyone else who lived by pure and raw emotion as contemptuous and fickle (to be kind,). When a person would promise me something, anything!!!, I would hold it in myself that they were attempting to do some part of a good thing. When they would not follow through, which seemed way more acute in a time gone by than the current present, I became numb to this strange phenomena, (at least that is what I let myself believe,). I have tried to be a ‘keeper of my word’ type of person. But not for the reason that I think it is right – though I do think it is right. I did it because I was hurt!! I hated the disappointment and the pain and fear associated with a broken promise. I didn’t consider myself better than anyone because of this. In fact, I drew a circle around my sentimental sensitivity and quite simply did not allow anything to penetrate the barrier that I set up. I failed a lot! I too broke promises and hurt peoples feelings. I cannot be perfect, and each time I hurt another, even when – especially when – my intentions were of the purest caliber, I created a harder and more fortified wall to not only shield me from the world, but to shield the world from me as well. Laughingly I look at it now and see how silly the whole thing is! My biggest fear is that I am gonna hurt someone, (anyone…Everyone!) in a way that they will be completely damaged and the recovery would be impossible. I don’t wanna break peoples, not one! I want to
“be a blessing!” I want other people to be loved, and have love in their lives. How hypocritical of me to assume that others deserved to feel that way, and still think that I ‘know’ that I never had, certainly didn’t now, and that there was no feasibility nor was there ever a likelihood that I could also be deserving of something as inestimable as LOVE.
More than 20 people were at my home yesterday to walk through this ‘celebration of a season’ with me. ME? People sang beautiful songs, spoke with their hearts, cried and hugged me (on purpose) to demonstrate the credibility of their commitment to assisting me in my life and to help me to process the losses, and move on. Why did they participate? I value this kind of community, in fact it was a dream I thought about often, and here it was! I watched their facial expressions during each performance, I smiled at their smiles, and I puzzled at their tears. Their personal part in the ceremony, tears and smiles, though they were dangerously apprehended initially…yet, slowly … ever so slowly… became the missing pieces that have lead to this sense of practicality for emotionalism, and for my own sense of value and quite possibly, dare I say it, worth. It’s funny how so many people can look at a creation of God and see how its odd shape, and quirky demeanor make it a beautiful addition to the world, and sad how that creation can see it self as only odd and bizarre in a way that is all exclusive, instead of completely inclusive. So, it comes down to this. Do I want to be afraid forever, and thus ALONE forever? …hmmmm…. no I don’t! Can I afford the effort it requires to believe, to trust, to give up giving up, and can I relearn how to love?
My reply and deep gratitude for the lesson of Saturday is a resounding, sincere, and wildly enthusiastic………………… YES!