“Do you see how I see you?”

This morning is very interesting, already! I was thinking backwards as I pondered the many people who have come into my life, and who have left. It seemed to me that the things that I have valued the most at the most intense times of my life are gone. That might sound simple, but with that painful recollection, I also realized that the difficulties of each and every ounce of those moments were eased in some way by the special ones who ‘could’ be there with me. Most of them didn’t even know 1% of my experience. That wasn’t as important to me as just sharing the same space with someone who had good thoughts and intentions towards me. What seemed epidemic for some time, losing the people I wanted to love, created in me a sense of loss and deeply rooted sorrow. I wasn’t sure why these people had to die, or – got to die. Each time it happened I felt abandoned, and not just by them.. but ultimately by God as well. This effed-up idea influenced my internal self deprecating dialogue…. how very sad. In the past, when I looked at the memories and old pictures of these people and I could not understand why they refused to see the bright and beautifulness about themselves that I SAW!!! Why would they leave in such a tragic and dark way? Having had a “few” difficult situations in my own life, I understand the seductive idea of being free of pain and sorrow. I get that suicide can seem like the perfect kind of divorce that would rid a person of significant hardships! I have been in that frame of mind many many times. I am sooooo NOT better than anyone who has ever had the thoughts, attempted and failed, or who succeeded with the idea.
This line of thinking led me to the “interesting” part of my already deeply personal introspective morning. I am looking at a few of their pictures right now. I am also in a few of the pics … puzzling with stringent inquisition I stare in disbelief at their refusals to see themselves the way I did!!! and still do!!!
Then, this idea pounced into my mind very vividly!!!! It said, “Do you see how I see you?” I actually jumped, and looked around! I am the only one awake in my home right now, and as I settled back into my previous thoughts dismissively… the thought came again. “Do you see how I see you?”
Have you ever felt an extreme flash of a thousand images, people, words, meanings… in a matter of microseconds? From my young and tender green years to my old decrepitude (35 lol ), it felt as if I were going through each person who ever told me what they saw in me. Many were painful, and I felt the pain as if it were acid eating away at my healthy mental image of myself, and the world around me. As each of my beloved friends, who have since passed in the tragic way as said previously, I remember how I felt around them. It was completely different. These people were warm and loving. They were accepting and kind. They were meek and bold. They had a zeal for life I never felt I could attain. I felt I could be the real me, what ever in the hell that was, around them… for they were not cruel in the slightest. The tragedy was that they didn’t feel that way about themselves.
“Do you see how I see you?”
I wonder how many times God asks us this question? I wonder why we don’t see it, or hear it?
Even though my morning began with tears and sorrow at the loss of these fantastic people in my life…. along with that I am very happy they were in my life at all!!! The pain sucks, don’t get me wrong, but they were worth it… and they still are. I do not remember them only with sorrow and regret – though it is still a piece of it. I remember their smiles, their laughter… the things that they did that inspired me, especially how their eyes sparkled as they were true to who they were…
I have many special people in my life today. I cannot say how blessed I am because there are not enough words to adequately speak to even a small percentage.
The realization this morning came from the past painful and present list of emerging miracles. To the ones of I have lost. I love you. Thank you for the lessons you are still teaching me. Sandra Fickstead, Ginger, Destiny Winder, Billy Liniar, Jessica Parker, Dani McKallestar, Joseph Jenkins, Sanderson Pancus, Jo Jo Myners, Brittney Candelson, Debra Halesten, Chris Kidenns…
Others who were taken, in forms of external violence: Kristopher S, Sylvia S, Brandon… unnamed children………
Prayer “God, sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the difficulties of my life, that I forget to remember you. I get so lost in my own head that I don’t even consider things from your perspective. I am sorry that I make it all about me. I want it to be all about you! You are so loving and kind, more than anyone I have ever met. These people in my life were such forces of good, and I realize that you used them to help me to find you! I am eternally grateful for them, and you! Thanks for the question, ‘do you see how I see you’… I will try to keep you in my mind all day long today… To see things from a heavenly perspective, and not my own biased and xenophobia. Thank you God so much! In your son’s name I pray, Amen.”
……. and now the next great adventure….. breakfast


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