But all the heart racing experiences we shared kept going through my head.
I tried not to lay awake, and think of you all night long.
But, your voice and all the words you spoke filled me with emotions that were too strong.
I tried to forget about you when I rose up for the day.
But, every color that I saw reminded me that I was alive because of you in a way.
I tried not to think of you when I decided to brush my teeth.
But, scraping away the goop and gunk, reminded me of what you were deep underneath.
I tried to wipe my memory of you when I sat down to eat my first meal.
But, I cannot shake the rules you made me follow and the way they made me feel.
I tried to drop you from my mind as I caught the morning bus.
But, I could not dissuade the images inside of them paying a higher price to play with “us.”
I fought minds remembering of you when arriving, at last, at work.
But I could not understand why I meant so much to you, only in monetary means and a quick jerk.
I thought I would always love you, but didn’t want to have your presence in my mind any more – so I tried to push you from my mind as I walked into the lunch room door.
Leaving work was hard today; your influence was still so near.
I tried to rip you from my brain and found only sorrow and more fear.
I begged my mind to let you go as I walked back into my house.
Tears rolled down my face, as I crawled into a dark corner – and hugged myself around my blouse.
I could not create my evening meal as I cried in my dearth of you.
I wanted to love you, even though love from you I never knew.
Deciding to prepare for a night of sleep, I hated myself for letting you haunt my mind.
I desperately yearned to erase all of you, and the life I have lived, as a result, in kind.
I tried not to pray for you, before I fell onto my bed.
But, I love you way too much to let you die without a chance to be saved before you are dead.
I didn’t want to share my pain with anyone, for I was so ashamed.
Yet, I spoke to God about you mom – and all the things you claimed.
I didn’t want to blame you; I wanted it to be my fault.
I wanted to think there was something wrong with ME, not that you chose to cut me repeatedly and continually pour on the salt.
My tears were flooding me bitterly as the pain you gave me became crystal clear.
I prayed for you anyway, because in my heart it is still you I hear.
I pleaded with God to keep you safe, to love you in a way you might not yet understand.
I struggled deep within myself to break through all of my history of your reprimand.
I asked God to whisper a secret to you, from me, into your ear.
I wanted Him to tell you that I love you but I hated myself for not being strong enough to tell you in person… too much fear.
I don’t know if I forgive you, though every day I try.
I confessed to God my sorrow as I continued to cry and cry.
I curled up on my mattress, and buried my face deep into the soft.
I didn’t want to think of you, I didn’t want to be an unwanted orphan – feeling so sad and so lost.
I tried not to remember the rituals as the moon floated into the sky.
Then I remembered the sleeping pills that I had in a drawer close by.
I remembered the rule you gave me, when I could not take it anymore.
I emptied the bottle of the pills, and gently closed the drawer.
I wished I could be better, I wish I was good enough to be a daughter worthy of your love.
I hated that my mind would not shut you off, as I swallowed the pills down with a shove.
I tried not to think of you, especially if it was always going to hurt so very much.
My last thought was only of you… I was your child, you were my mother… (and though it was my ONLY wish) I never knew a
loving mother’s touch.