Depersonalization & Derealization

Definition

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you’re observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren’t real, or both. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization can be very disturbing and may feel like you’re living in a dream.

Many people have a passing experience of depersonalization or derealization at some point. But when these feelings keep occurring or never completely go away, it’s considered depersonalization-derealization disorder. This disorder is more common in people who’ve had traumatic experiences.

Depersonalization-derealization disorder can be severe and may interfere with relationships, work and other daily activities. The main treatment for depersonalization-derealization disorder is talk therapy (psychotherapy), although sometimes medications also are used.

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Persistent and recurrent episodes of depersonalization or derealization or both cause distress and problems functioning at work or school or in other important areas of your life. During these episodes, you are aware that your sense of detachment is only a feeling, and not reality.

The experience and feelings of the disorder can be difficult to describe. Worry about “going crazy” can cause you to become preoccupied with checking that you exist and determining what’s actually real.

Depersonalization symptoms

Symptoms of depersonalization include:

  • Feelings that you’re an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body, perhaps as if you were floating in air above yourself
  • Feeling like a robot or that you’re not in control of your speech or movements
  • The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
  • Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
  • A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories

Derealization symptoms

Symptoms of derealization include:

  • Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings, perhaps like you’re living in a movie
  • Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
  • Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
  • Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
  • Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

Episodes of depersonalization-derealization disorder may last hours, days, weeks or even months at a time. In some people, these episodes turn into ongoing feelings of depersonalization or derealization that may periodically get better or worse.

In this disorder, feelings of depersonalization and derealization aren’t directly caused by drugs, alcohol, a mental health disorder or a medical condition.

When to see a doctor

Passing feelings of depersonalization or derealization are common and aren’t necessarily a cause for concern. But ongoing or severe feelings of detachment and distortion of your surroundings can be a sign of depersonalization-derealization disorder or another physical or mental health disorder.

See a doctor if you have feelings of depersonalization or derealization that:

  • Are disturbing you or are emotionally disruptive
  • Don’t go away or keep coming back
  • Interfere with work, relationships or daily activities

Causes

By Mayo Clinic Staff

The exact cause of depersonalization-derealization disorder isn’t well-understood. However, it appears to be linked to an imbalance of certain brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, which can make a brain vulnerable so that heightened states of stress and fear may lead to the disorder.

Symptoms of depersonalization-derealization disorder may be related to:

  • Childhood trauma, such as verbal or emotional abuse or witnessing domestic violence
  • Growing up with a significantly impaired mentally ill parent
  • Suicide or unexpected death of a close friend or family member
  • Severe stress, such as relationship, financial or work-related problems
  • Severe trauma, such as a car accident

Risk factors

By Mayo Clinic Staff

While anyone can develop depersonalization-derealization disorder, you’re at increased risk if:

  • Your personality has traits that make you want to avoid or deny difficult situations or you have trouble adapting to difficult situations
  • You’ve been involved in or witnessed a traumatic or abusive experience
  • You’re in your mid- to late teens or early adulthood — depersonalization-derealization disorder is rare in children and older adults

Even if you don’t have depersonalization-derealization disorder, feelings of depersonalization or derealization can be triggered by:

  • Having other mental health disorders, such as depression or anxiety
  • Using substances, such as hallucinogens or marijuana
  • Having physical or medical conditions, such as seizures or a head injury

Complications

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Episodes of depersonalization or derealization can be frightening. They can cause:

  • Difficulty focusing on tasks or remembering things
  • Interference with work and other routine activities
  • Problems in relationships with your family and friends

Preparing for your appointment

By Mayo Clinic Staff

You’re likely to start by first seeing your primary care doctor, but you may be referred to a doctor who specializes in brain and nervous system disorders (neurologist) or a doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating mental health disorders (psychiatrist).

Here’s some information to help you get ready for your appointment and learn what to expect from your doctor.

What you can do

Before your appointment, make a list of:

  • Any symptoms you’re experiencing,including any that may seem unrelated to the reason for your appointment
  • Key personal information,including any major stresses or recent life changes
  • All medications,vitamins and other supplements that you’re taking, including dosages
  • Questions to askyour doctor

Take a family member or friend along, if possible. Someone who accompanies you may remember something that you missed or forgot.

Some basic questions to ask your doctor include:

  • What’s the most likely cause of my symptoms?
  • Are there other possible causes?
  • Do I need any tests to confirm the diagnosis?
  • What treatments are available? Which do you recommend?
  • Are there alternatives to the primary approach that you’re suggesting?
  • Do I need to see a specialist?
  • Is there a generic alternative to the medicine you’re prescribing?
  • Are there any brochures or other printed material that I can have? What websites do you recommend?

What to expect from your doctor

Your doctor is likely to ask you a number of questions. Being ready to answer them may reserve time to go over any points you want to spend more time on. Your doctor may ask:

  • When did you first begin experiencing symptoms?
  • Have your symptoms been continuous or occasional?
  • How severe are your symptoms?
  • What, if anything, seems to improve your symptoms?
  • What appears to worsen your symptoms?
  • Do you have any long-term (chronic) health conditions?
  • Do you have any mental health disorders, such as anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)?
  • What medications or herbal supplements do you take?
  • Do you drink alcohol or use street drugs?

Tests and diagnosis

By Mayo Clinic Staff

To be diagnosed with depersonalization-derealization disorder, you must meet the symptom criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association. This manual is used by mental health providers to diagnose mental conditions and by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

The DMS-5 includes these definitions:

  • You have experiences of unreality or feeling detached from your thinking, emotions or your body. Or you may feel like an outside observer watching your thoughts, feelings, sensations, body or actions.
  • You have experiences of unreality or feeling detached from your surroundings, as if you were in a dream.

To be diagnosed with depersonalization-derealization disorder:

  • You must have persistent or recurrent experiences of depersonalization, derealization or both
  • During the depersonalization or derealization experience, you are aware that the experience is not real
  • Your symptoms cause significant distress or interfere with your social life, job or other important areas of your life
  • Your symptoms are not caused by another mental health disorder, such as schizophrenia or panic disorder
  • Your symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of alcohol, drugs or a medical condition

You may need further evaluation or tests to rule out other physical or mental health disorders and other causes, such as substance misuse.

Treatments and drugs

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Treatment of depersonalization-derealization disorder is primarily psychological counseling, also called talk therapy. However, sometimes medications may be added to your treatment plan.

  • Psychological counseling.This helps you understand why depersonalization and derealization occur, and helps you gain control over the symptoms so that they go away. Two such techniques include cognitive behavioral therapy and psychodynamic therapy. Depersonalization-derealization disorder may also improve when counseling helps with other mental health conditions, such as depression.
  • While there are no medications specifically approved to treat depersonalization-derealization disorder, certain medications that are used to treat depression and anxiety may help. Examples that have been shown to relieve symptoms include fluoxetine (Prozac), clomipramine (Anafranil) and clonazepam (Klonopin).

Coping and support

By Mayo Clinic Staff

While depersonalization and derealization can be frightening, they aren’t necessarily harmful. Realizing that you have a treatable mental health disorder can be reassuring. To help you cope with depersonalization and derealization:

  • Follow your treatment plan.Counseling may involve practicing certain techniques to help resolve feelings of depersonalization and derealization on a daily basis. Seeking treatment early can improve your chances of successfully using these techniques.
  • Learn about the condition.Books and Internet resources are available that discuss why depersonalization and derealization occur and how to cope. Ask your mental health provider to suggest educational materials and resources.
  • Connect with others.Stay connected with supportive and caring people — family, friends, faith leaders or others.

Being Mad – We are all Mad here

We are all MAD here

I have always been afraid that what I thought was reality, actually wasn’t.  Very similar to the idea behind the movie ‘Matrix,’ I assumed there was something more to be known.  I suppose I was very uncomfortable living in this current world, with all the evil circumstances that seemed to find me so easily.  There is a story called, “The Yellow Wallpaper,” and others well known, like, “Alice in Wonderland,” that lead me to believe that I am not alone in these thoughts.  However, being that we cannot know all of the absolute truths out there, we have to use our senses and creativity to describe our own current reality.  Even “The Wizard of Oz” speaks of different realities.  So what is to be said of those who cannot experience the same reality as the supposed reality of the labored masses?  Does this make them crazy?

What does crazy mean anyways?  In a blog entitled – PhraseMIX – one of the definitions of crazy is as follows: “Crazy” means “insane”. Someone who doesn’t see reality the same way as the rest of us is “crazy.”  The rest of us?  Who is us?  Perhaps in trying to discover the truth about being mad, one must first know what is sane.  So, what is true sanity anyways?  The definition of sane from vocabulary.com is:   A sane person is of sound mind and is mentally healthy. Sane people have good judgment, are reasonable, and can tell the difference between what’s real and imagined. Well, there you have it.  If you cannot tell the difference between something real and something made-up – you are a nut!

By this definition, what percentage of people are insane?  According to an article on slate.com, “Almost 50 percent of Americans (46.4 percent to be exact) will have a diagnosable mental illness in their lifetimes, based on the previous edition, the DSM-IV. And the new manual will likely make it even “easier” to get a diagnosis.”  Can you believe that? 50 percent of our adult population is, according to the previous definition, kooky!  So, then, if you have ANYTHING in your mind that taints your picture of the world in ANY way – taking it from whatever is the absolute truth to what your own perception is… does this mean you also have a screw loose?

Can you think of ONE person who has not had their own personal experience change their entire Idea of the world around them?  Just one?  Is anyone free of hardship, loss, heartache, rejection, loneliness, desperation, or despair – at least once in their lifetime?  Do not these difficult experiences reshape the way we all see the world?  Then, if this is true, are we not all mad here?

Recently I was told that I was crazy.  I was told that I could not be certain of some things, however, I was certainly certifiable.  “You’re a nut.” She told me candidly, “everyone knows you’re nutty.”  I was overwhelmed with a greatly wounded pride, and sadly, my biggest fear born into reality through the forthright words from my honest friend.  Am I insane?  Do all know that I am insane?  Sort of feeling like a freak, and reliving voices from the past that hammer my self-esteem into the ground,  I know the difference, but I admit both are a part of my current reality.  Is that what makes me batty?

I admit freely that I see the world from a vastly damaged view.  I also affirm the fact that I aggravate the average person’s image of what a “good” world this is.  In short, I am different, I am unconventional, I am peculiar, I am extremely anomalous and to many many many I am acutely bizarre.  Therefore I see the world as tampered with, and not pure.  I am not alone in my perception, in fact, there are thousands who share my copious convictions.  Does this still mean that I am in a maniacal state of mind?

What of the disperse groups to be found apart from each other in every state you attend?  Many associations are in war against each other as a result of their opposite opinions and views on any given matter.  In the group they agree and band together, and they discuss the “facts” that the other is wrong, heartless, and possibly insane.  Are any of these of actual value?  Is any of this true?  Who is right and who is wrong?  And why in the misery of the inferno do we care anyway?

 Just over 2000 years ago, there was a Jewish man who lived in a very precarious way.  He was thought by many to be a heretic, a blasphemer, and some thought he also was crazy or possessed by devils.
He didn’t pay any attention to these things though.  He knew that he was here to change the world, and so he did.  He changed the rules.  He fulfilled thousands of years of prophecy.  He was his own person, and did the things he knew were right – in spite of the current traditions and pathology that existed among the people at that time.  He said, “I am the way the truth and the life.” (John 14:6)

His name was Jesus Christ.  He taught about love!  Love was for all, those you liked and those you didn’t!  His teachings have transformed an uncountable number of lives all over the world.  He was different.  He was odd.  Was he also insane?

There is a gal who sings a beautiful song entitled, “Father’s Eyes.”  Her name is Amy Grant.  This song speaks of being like God (who many believe is also Jesus Christ).  She wants to be like Jesus was to those in her life.  Can you imagine?  Why would she want to be like this “crazy heretic?”  Because she has found that in her life, He is the way.  For her, he is the truth.  For her, he is life.

I have to say that I agree with her.  I hadn’t thought about that before.  I didn’t realize how – insane – the world perceived Jesus Christ to be.  Yet, He is the only one I wanna be like.

In conclusion!!!!!

It is okay that I am recognized as being insane.  There is a lot of truth to that, based on the previous information in this article.  However, I am also a lot of other things.  I love people like crazy!  I do things with all my heart!  I love to help whenever I am able!  I give voice lessons, and love to sing myself.  Kids are some of my most favorite people!  I do not ever hate people.  I try to understand, and want to be loving as best I can.  I love God!  There are a lot of things I can do, and Some I hope to still accomplish.  Sometimes I get bummed out, but I accept that as a part of life.  I do not see the world as all bad nor do I see it as all good.  I love pickles and do not like avocados.  Cottage cheese is awesome, but hot sauce I will pass on.  Music lives in me, and I crave it every day!  I am get absolutely absorbed into the written word, and love to create writings of my own.  I am not a super model, but I am an authentic substantial matron.  There is a lot that I have to offer the world, even if my contributions appear meager and limited.  I am not damaged to the point of danger for others.  Perhaps my afflictions have composed in my consciousness a fashion for the assistance of those who will succeed my own footsteps.  This I anticipate with much enthusiasm.

I write to You

It is to YOU I write…

and In the eyes of those who seek true happiness of this world. I wish to sell my words, first purchased

by my breath – for a price of life’s few tender moments, where silver linings are born. I seek the endless

shining that dwells in the heart of Philosophers and stirs the soul bringing forth a sunrise worn on the

faces of the pure, and intellectually sound at ease; but to whom darkness with heaven’s curses and

daylight full of stars is no stranger than a mother’s kiss or a final chance to prove your personal worth. If

dreams be your future and images of fantasy and desire your native tongue. If you feel death reaching

up for you and taste sweetness in the chase. If your soul is yearning for transformation from reality to

real life…

It is to you I write!

Sabrina Aug 2011

You are that Temple

You are that Temple…

I have been reading about the newly renovated building in northern Utah.  It is made with the finest man-made material.  Billions of dollars were spent to make this building better than the rest of the world:  Fine Mahogany wood work, Egyptian marble, Granite quarried and fabricated in China.  And, let’s not forget the crowning pinnacle – a 13 foot tall GOLD statue!

This is incredible.  It reminds me of in the Bible (lots of places, but let’s start here)

1 Corinthians chapter 3

1 Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly–mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4 For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere men? 5 What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe–as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7 So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8 The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9 For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, God’s building. 10 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. 14 If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward.15 If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames. 16 Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? 17 If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple. 18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a “fool” so that he may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”;20 and again, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile.” 21 So then, no more boasting about men! All things are yours, 22 whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future–all are yours, 23 and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.

Can it be put any more plain?  God’s temple is not made with gold or silver.  God’s temple is beautiful, and sacred “and you are that temple.”

Unfamiliar Now

Unfamiliar Now

Did you know I wasn’t here

When my body at last rested?

Did you know it wasn’t clear

Why my everything was tested?

Can you hear me when I call

And do you really care for me?

Meager inside I feel so small

And I hear

“I love you Auntie Bri!”

I do not know where I am

Your face is warm and kind

The air is different, I’m a ma’am

I am allowed to use my mind

Is there something I have done

For you to respect me so?

In your heart, you are one

Yet how, I just don’t know

Have I been a best friend for reals

Helping and being adored?

Shall I wake with a heart that feels

Only to be ignored?

God in heaven I cannot express

What a mess my heart is in

But my gratitude for all of this

Wants me to let even You in

I thought my heart was dead

And I would live in hell forever

Then I heard what she said

Now I know I’ll never

I was lost and now am found

A sinner with eyes that could not see

Now I will sing a joyous sound

Because I know You care for me

Letting Go

Letting Go

By Morti

Of course I only want to stay

And I purely detest that I must away

Friends and feelings have to be resisted

Safety for you and the children must be insisted

Sorrow may come and dwell, I know

Feel it if you must, then let it go

Be angry in missing what you had

Yet, for the joy it was be eternally glad

I am grateful to you in every way

You made my life turn from night to day

So selfish am I for a life worth living

Seizing the day is honor in giving

Pretending the night will never come

For me was precious, in truth, for me was dumb

The thunder clouds are rolling in

Precarious departure of all my kin

Tell them I’m crazy!  Tell them I’m sane

Say I’ve a wild mind to tame

Or do not tell them anything at all

They will see more clearly after I fall

But that is probably pretense too

They never saw me, they never knew you

I have to cut from my heart the feeling

And hope to God I rise past the ceiling

It is because I love you the choice was made

Oh how I wish I could have stayed

What is just is, it’s not a ploy for power

I will leave sometime soon, not sure of the hour

If they ask, tell anything that you need

I trust you with everything, all my secrets indeed

It doesn’t make sense, but as you know

We live, and love, and then let go

Is God Love? and..does God love……………..me?

Is God Love?  And Does God Love ………………………………………………… me?

Out of the 150 Psalms that are in the Bible 67 of them are lament Psalms.  Lament insinuates a passionate expression of grief or sorrow.   I thoroughly believe that God prepared the Psalms in this manner because He knew that we would all be in hard places from time to time.  What a wonderful God we have!  Can you imagine a God whom we call LOVE but didn’t actually love us in the purest sense of the word?  Think about the following verses okay?

1 John 4:16 – And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

1 John 4:8 – He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

Ephesians 2:4 – But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,

Jeremiah 31:3 – The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, [saying], Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.

I understand that it can be super complex to a complete understanding of God’s love for us – especially in times of great duress.  For these types of situations, I have found that the following verses really speak to my heart.

Hebrews 12: 6 (the whole chapter is quite encouraging!)

Proverbs 3:12

Revelation 3:19

The Lord of heaven and earth LOVES US!!!  Jesus also went through the “dark night of the soul.”  He completed His terraqueous profession because of HIS LOVE FOR US!

1 John 4:10 This is real love–not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

Knowing that God is LOVE, and that He is the PURE LOVE.  and also that He LOVES YOU and ME, can be like palm for a wounded soul.  On the other hand it can also cause turbulence from deep inside – especially when the ones we genuinely care about do hurtful things to our own hearts, or abuse us in ways that seem unfair and utterly wrong.  How can God love us and still allow these things to transpire? I have witnessed many intellectual theological discussions concerning this question alone.  In trying to find this type of answer, I came across a fantastic article entitled “Why Does God Allow Tragedy” written by Lee Strobel, and delivered to an audience on July 25, 2012.

The link to this article is: https://www.biblegateway.com/blog/2012/07/why-does-god-allow-tragedy-and-suffering/

In short, let me say this.  When God created the world, he did so in all perfectness.  After He saw what He himself had made, He identified that it was very good! (Gen 1:31)  God made the world in a flawless and impeccable manner.  It was when the decision was made by men to deviate from His perfect plan that sorrow came upon this beautiful creation.  God doesn’t want a bunch of robots to worship Him.  Can you imagine?  If we all went about doing whatever we were compelled to do, instead of what we wanted to do, where would God, and where would we, find pure and true love and joy?  Think of it this way.  When a close friend of yours calls you up and says they have missed you, and want to hang out with you sometime soon – does this swell in your heart a bit, and bring you some joy and help you have a sense of belonging, and of being wanted?  Compare that to a telemarketer phone call.  These individuals are on the clock.  They get paid to call you, and ask you questions.  They may ask for a few minutes of your time, but honestly, do they appear passionate about talking to YOU!  And vice versa – do you likewise feel dedicated to speaking with them, knowing that they are doing it because they gotta, and not cuz they wanna?  In this manner, God wants us to come to Him because it is our choice, and not because He is making us.  In this, He teaches us about true joy!  It is all about a personal choice.  In this manner, and by virtue of God’s wisdom and grace – all of us are given the freedom to choose.

Having choice available to us means that we can opt for good or evil.  In John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  God knew that we would be hurt by others, and also that we would hurt others.

Titus 3:3 At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.

Not a single person is without sin.  We have all been hurt, and hurt others.  Because none of us are perfect on our own.  We are flawed, and because of this, we NEED a God who isn’t.

Titus 3:4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,

If that isn’t pure love, then what is?  Having a Father who loves us, in an irreproachable manner – who will not let us go, as long as we do not let Him go, Can be, (if you accept it) and IS, (to those who already have) the most surprisingly brilliant thing ever to have been found among the children of men since the dawn of Creation.

God is not dead!

God is absolute LOVE

and God LOVES………………………………………………………….. You!

Have You Ever?

Have you ever wanted something?

But what you weren’t sure

Longing to be touched

But not until the cure

Have you longed for one to hold you?

To love you through your tears

But, couldn’t bring yourself to cry

Concealing all your fears

Do you ever dream of being happy?

Fulfilling all your dreams

Still, trembling at the truth

And how devastating it seems

Is there a yearning deep inside and

All you want is to understand

Why someone has really hurt you

Why it’s hard to take a stand

Is it hard each day?

To look yourself in the eye

Without feeling pain and guilt

But not knowing why

Do you avoid contact

With that person in the mirror

Forcing strong emotions away

Reinforcing loneliness and fear

Not on purpose, do you feel

You’ve sabotaged your own life

Like you and happiness are opposites

Elusive and full of strife

Did you ever want to someone to hold you?

And never let you go

Someone to say, “I love you”

Even with everything they knew

Someone you can trust,

To say you’re beautiful

Or, just someone you can trust

To be looked at like you’re a daughter of God

Not dirt or an object to lust

When someone has something very

Important to you, to say

Do you wish they’d just shut up and listen to you?

Or simply just go away

Do you wanna be better?

Then you really think you are

To finally cut the umbilical chord

Catch at last your wishing star

Have you felt that you were hopeless?

Living a horrific night time terror

Hating all the injustice – but knowing

She deserves it – her, the one in the mirror

Have you ever just had a whole lot

Of nothing left to say

Do you wish you could just stop your heart!

…and it’d all just go away?

Bleeding Without and Within

Bleeding Without and Within

By Morti

Upon examination of my skin

Wears the appearance of awful sin

And passing upon my burdensome head

Is ashen complexion cold and dead

Deeper still from skin to bone

Fractured indifference but pain cannot be known

The appearance of scars and a past of disadvantage

Never will tell the secrets underneath the bandage

None of this banter will tell the legitimacy

Of the life once experienced in illegitimate intimacy

Yet, not of proximity asked or desired

Forced through the innermost circle with fire

Tribulation and torment, awe what a sweet intoxication

From where my mind was born, these are prosperous vacation

Confusion arrived upon resplendent misrepresentation

Eternal conflict my home, my nation

Between God and Satan, Elysium or Hell

There is but one concept I grounded well

My worth was nihility

Cost, my responsibility

For monetary gain, my blood was depleted

For Evil control, my will defeated

Considering my heart, that I would not deceive

They fucked with my mind, and in what I believed

Having sanity of mind was frightfully unjust

It was better to have dominion prepotency and lust

God was the devil and the devil a brother of man

Jesus died on a cross but of me wasn’t a fan

Demons made visitations and loved adoration

Saints were mocked wildly amidst every station

Sex was for influence, if forced on innocence gave you power

Blood was anticipated and flowed by the hour

Pharmaceuticals absorbed through violent duress

Through needles and toes and under the dress

Lightning flooded my attention

Water adopted considering adequate confession

Insufficient nutrition, wanted affection, no love

Being declared to be so from more advanced than “above”

Immediately now, as you see my skin

In truth, yes, intolerable sin

I cannot give a full account

Is happiness worthy of such an amount?

You see me, but you cannot begin

To understand bleeding without, and within.

Pulchritudinous (physically beautiful)

Pulchritudinous

Have you peered way down deep inside yourself

And wondered and what you saw?

Have you taken a book down from the shelf

And stared at it in awe?

Have you sat in consternation amidst fear,

Whilst sending up a prayer to God?

Do you ever question why we are here?

Do some of the proletariat think of you as odd?

Is there really something honest,

Or is it all just pontificated?

Is narcissism how to stay on it?

Or was it by love that we were created?

Looking in a mirror,

Seeing you through your very own eyes-

Is it any clearer,

Or do you only see your own disguise?

I want to share with you my vision

I long for you to also see

It is not all about derision

It’s about Jesus’ love for you and me

Even when I cannot understand

That I am beautiful

God, who created me with His own hand

Is THE loving, faithful, and dutiful

Especially when enthusiasm is low

And my nature feels like giving in

He comes to the rescue and tells me so

Then, if I ask Him, for me – He will win

You see, it isn’t something vague

Or like a genie with only three wishes

His undertakings are miraculous

As was the 7 loaves and 2 fishes

He fed a multitude of 5,000 strong

With a prayer for their wellbeing

It is to this great Jesus that I belong

And only to Him, the praises I’m singing

Guess what? You can have that too

He has wanted you from the start

The only thing you have to do

Is as Jesus into your heart

I appreciate that it sounds simple

And really cannot be authentic

Yet, throughout time He has created a ripple

He will only say something …. If He’s meant it

In John chapter 17, Jesus says a prayer

Did you know His heart was heavy for you?

He knows all your sorrows and your deepest despair

He sees that you are Pulchritudinous too

It is a leap of faith

This to me seemed most preposterous

My lack of conviction seemed such a waste

The fear prevailing in me; monstrous

Until I called out to Him one day

My heart was in a type of permafrost, so very very hard

I was terrified, but did it anyway

He became my great protector, my souls own security guard

He also holds me when I cry

He protects me through the night

He shows me how to change from the inside

He soothes me when I am in fright

He took the mask off of my face
Then He asked me to look back in the mirror

I recalled my image from before with such disgrace

How could anything be any clearer?

Then I looked.

I was shocked and quite mystified

Who was it I was seeing?

All the ones who had hurt me with their pride

They were gone – I was the only being

I moderately saw a smile appear

Even my eyes didn’t seem dull

I could feel my Jesus very near

He said, You are beautiful

So you see, there are pieces all around

That only He can make quite clear

Such as placing in your heart the sound

Of the angels singing near

You are precious, He wants to be your friend

YES! I know it is difficult to conceive

But you can share affection with the Lord

IF you will choose, from your heart, to believe.