Old Friend New Enemy

I saw you when you walked into the restaurant You were guilty but full of smiles

I heard you whisper to your guest, LIES self-pity in all the styles

I have no fear of you reading this since reading was never to your liking

You live your lie so fast and swift, and you your hair you are still spiking

You saw me at the other place – you froze and shared and cried

I noticed it was the same old garbage you spewed forth as you lied

I do not hate you, as you go, in fact, I mostly wish you well

And after all that, I can do and as far as I can tell

You are still living the same, (ahem) your same old hell

So this poem devoted to you; you never may ever read

But if there is anything I can do, find in someone else a need

For I can’t help you anymore

On your knuckles, I have banged close the hard oak door

And it’s okay if you wear a frown

‘Cause you are now infamous I’ve got you all written down

Why did you have to show your face

I could be angry any place

But you have iced up the room

Be off with you upon your broom

Fly away into the fog.  Tail between legs you female dog

Never again to show yourself

With you is dearth, without you wealth

Ha ha ha! And a great big goodbye

With pants on fire and a needle in your eye

Fuck you and all your promises – broken

You lied far beyond the simple token

My heart, my hope all the truth I have shared

Fell on deaf ears while my soul I bared

You did more than stomp on my desire

You dumped gasoline on my skin and lit me on fire

Then to put me out – so you said

You completely emirs my poor little head (in mud)

Why couldn’t you just leave me alone

Quit calling and texting me on the phone

Not until I wasn’t nice once did you say you were done

Surgery, you said was worse yet asked 50 times worse than being attacked?

50 times worse than being attacked?

Yes! Of course! you were in pain

As you tore through my heart in horrific disdain

I did not want to think that I gave you this power

But you can’t know the sweet without tasting the sour

Your betrayal was all up front and close but I pretended to not see it

Still, ice woman you were the most

The most painful relationship I’ve, in a long time, had

Leading me to think I loved you? Shit, was I mad?

Confusion totally swept over me

Because you told me you were in need

The need to see someone crawling towards you

I became your servant not knowing what to do

So now you talk about me behind my back

I thought I’d care, but I just laugh

From the look in your eyes, I can tell

You’re giving me the power you try to pretend so well

I do not know what will become of this poem my dear

Our paths are forever parted, that much is clear

So, as you walk out the door, I will think of you one time more

And send a small blessing out your way

To, perhaps have you see, one great day

That you’re not the center of everything.

You’re not the only one who can sing.

I will cross my toes and fingers too,

In this little prayer for you

That one day you will see the light

No longer will you put up a fight

For fear of things that go bump in the night

But that you may truly be truly free

God bless you my once friend,

Now, leave me be.

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For the new year….

So, I have a ton of baggage that needs to be unloaded, but in the mean time I want to focus on the fun tender stuff as well.  so here I go.

Today my boyfriend sent me a sweet text and made my heart all warm and gooey… silly bri.  I just love it when he does that.  It just makes me so happy.

You don’t ‘own’ me…anymore!!

I am a happy girl.  I was born happy and still to this day I am happy.  But, that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been times when I was upset.  That doesn’t mean that nothing has ever happened to me and it certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t know heartbreak.

My life hasn’t been easy and I don’t have all the money in the world and there have been many times that my will was devoured by those that could and did claim my physical person as their property.  But they never had my heart!  They never had possession of my thoughts, intents, desires, and personal ideals.  When I was bound and locked up they could not lock up my mind – and oh how I soured!

I saw death, despair, maleficent acts of every kind, but I am not what happened to me nor am I what happened to those around me.  I am who I have always been in my heart and in my mind.  I look for magic in everything, like children do.  I want to experience so many things that I never had the opportunity to before.  My physical freedom has only proven to ignite my inspirations and my desires to be happy and share happiness…to show love and be loved!!!

My life is successful because I am.  I have survived, but I haven’t lived.

I want to live everyday ON PURPOSE!!!!

And that is what I intend to do.

Propositions from Purgatory

He said, “I have no heart…..I am hollow…..everything else is sore.”

I said, “Then I will tear mine in two and place one half in you. That way when we’re together we will be whole…and when we’re apart we will long for one another all the more.”

Then he replied, “I truly wish it was that simple but you put something so sweet inside the breast of something so dark and evil would only cause the purity of yours to wither and die in agonizing sorrow.”an_angel_and_demon_in_love_by_gravityninjax-d64j3nu

Then he added, “Do not weep for me I am already dead …weep for what I am….”

My nature and character trembled to consider his intense isolation.  Longing to hold him in my arms, I whispered, “You have much credibility in dealing with this darkness, still even amidst all of your doubt if you truly love me and can feel my love for you… The transfer has already begun. I don’t claim to be pure Anything but rather an eclectic collage of joyous survival in a vast sea of immeasurable degradation and torture… I bring peace and war…but in ways you have never darkly enjoyed as ferociously as this.”

I write to YoU!

I want to write of life – of dependent love and dark laughter.  I want to carve the pernicious sonnets of my endurance into the hearts of those who seek the authentic and maidenly truth of this world.  I wish to donate these seductive reflections and my malevolent words – first purchased by my blood and breathe – for a price of life’s few tender moments where silver linings were born, enslaved, parched, charred and covered – then reborn.  I seek the endless shining that dwells in the heart of philosophers and stirs the soul bringing forth a sunrise of blood and lust worn on the faces of the pure, and intellectually sound at ease; but to whom darkness with heaven’s curses and daylight full of stars are no stranger than a mother’s kiss or a final chance to prove the integrity and emotional valor that is held fast even among those that would ravage their everything to vastly break and overcome them. If dreams be your future and images of fantasy and desire your native tongue, if you feel death reaching up for you and taste sweetness in the chase; if your soul is yearning for transformation from reality to real life…If you delight in the shadows  and you favor the sweet bitterness of life’s sanguine fluid… It is to you I write!

l.o.v.e.

Men and women speak ideally of love
But when it is inconvenient it is a burden for them
Being worthy has nothing to do with it
If you are alive then you are worthy
Being capable of love has nothing to do with it either
The fact that you are capable of breath and flowing thoughts innately also brings the fact that you are capable of love
Then what?
It comes down to choice
Public and pure while private and prostitute keeps all of us aware of the truth and shrouded in lies
Love is whole and pure. It is lasting and very significant.
Lust is craved in the flesh and the cure is shortly enjoyed, then the thirst begins again
All are capable of both
Ultimately
It isn’t as simple as one or the other
Rather, seeking balance with both forces for they are both inside all of us
The choice of how and when to nurture them is yours.
Just as our bodies need vitamin and protein fortified nutrition… we can still choose to feed it junk, and many do.
The result is weak bodies, sickness, underweight and overweight, pain and ultimately early death.
Our hearts and souls need fortifying relationships and stimulation ones as well.
Choice
I’m guilty of positive and less that positive thoughts feelings and actions from time to time. As I recognize this I can and do make choices that make happiness more and more lasting…
My choices are mine
Your choices are yours
Choosing to be happy might not always work the first few hundred times, but when you can believe in happiness more then your sorrow… it will be so

Love is not all about physical romance
Love is also about acceptance
Accept that you make mistakes
Accept that others do as well
Honor them and your self
If not for the mistakes the lessons would not be as easily accessible

Remember that problems only can exist if there is an equally powerful solution to said problem

Love
Lust
Truth
Lies

All can be mistaken for its opposite
Perspective and time will reveal what truly is

But, deep inside your soul
You know that you ALREADY know

NOTHING IS SO SACRED IT CAN’T BE QUESTIONED

“NOTHING IS SO SACRED IT CAN’T BE QUESTIONED. I believe in the sacred. I just don’t believe that when passing the sacred on, that it can be merely proclaimed as such and then be assumed to be owned by those to whom it has been “passed onto”. I could go so far as to say that I think the more sacred something is the more it should be questioned so that it can be constantly reaffirmed as sacred indeed. Declaring the Bible or the marriage bond or some doctrine sacred does not make it so. If the sacred cannot stand up to scrutiny, perhaps what we have is more traditional than foundational.”

-someone pretty honest and smart!

Opposite to conclusive research…… this has nothing to do with much…. but a lot to do with everything

I am a completely different type of creature than most.  I get anxious in my mind, but it does not reflect in my physical.  I can be completely freaked out, and usually no one knows.  I can see things happen before they do.  I see the past in people’s eyes.  I can feel how you feel when we speak and/or when you are near.  I don’t have to ask you at all I already know just by the sound of your voice or the vibrations of your presence.

I play the game though.  I go through the standard situations norms and establish some sense of emotional connection with people when in all reality, I have that the moment I hear or am near any individual.

The difficult part of this is that I do not know of any other person, IRL that shares the same types of abilities.  Pretention and masks are worn by many, but you cannot hide behind one from me.

You do not have to believe me.  I never would want to MAKE anyone do anything.  I have likes and preferences like anyone, but I  can see around a situation that is objective and for me that has become my source of survival.  I am alive because of that.  There have been many murderous attempts upon my life.  They have all failed!  As obvious as that sounds, it is vastly powerful as well.  I am alive because I did NOT give in.  I am alive because I did not succum.  I am alive because there is more for me to do.  I am here because others need to know what I know.

I am here to learn from you.  I am here to share in the pain and the joys.  I am here to love and be loved.

I am not here to solve the worlds problems.  We all have different ideas on how things could be ran, should be done and what is wrong with what ever system is currently progressing, or falling.  But we have difficulties determining who is correct and who is to lead.  Why must one lead? Why must only one be right? and why is there such difficulty?

Pride is something that can be inpenitrable.  How irreverent and delightful it must be to those who just want to watch the world burn to see the ones who could have the answers swallow them in their pride.  How harsh and horrible things get when the ones who know, close their eyes and stick their fingers in their ears.  No one can benefit and no one will heal if no one is willing to compromise and work with what they have and can aquire.

Why am I telling you these things?

In trying to make the besT out of any given situation I’ve been in my current environment allows me some pause to create a plan of action. I’ve enjoyed most in my life solutions that can have the best positive out come for more than simply myself

No matter how useful and productive a system is or is not there are always ways to improve them. Do you follow me so far? Places that are there for people in distress like homeless shelters and domestic violence shelters are wonderful to have. Yet they can breed intense problems and difficulty in and of themselves, correct?

The ones that set them up and provide the care are honestly valiant individuals and I honor them value them and am extremely grateful for them…Therefore I want to be of some assistance for them

I cannot give money
But I can give timeManagement is stressed Volunteers seem lost The place is filthy Nothing is organized

I want to help with these things. These are things that I can excel at.  I am not much experienced in the day to day, go to work, come home go to bed … repeat.

However!!!  I am imaculate and incredible at crisis management and preparedness.  Comfort for those in crisis situations and care for those providing care.

I can see in your eyes and feel from your frame what care you need.  the problem I have is you don’t know what you want or need and therefore I am usually not permitted to interfere.  Sad.

some day perhaps.

Until then, I am here.

Liv